Supporting Somebody

Common questions about supporting someone who has been sexually assaulted or abused

 

Q  How can I help?

• If someone tells you that they have been raped or sexually abused, it can make all the difference to how they feel if people around them respond well.
• It is especially important to let someone know that you believe them so try not to cast doubt on what a person tells you ( people rarely make things up ).
• Try to respect their wishes about what, if anything, they want to happen even if you don't agree with them doing or not doing certain things. It is important to people that they feel they have choices with regard to what they need in terms of help and support afterwards.
• People respond to sexual assault or abuse in different ways and they must feel able to react in whatever way is useful for them even if it doesn't fit with what we would expect somebody to be like. Some people become angry, some people might cry and sometimes people might not feel anything other than numbness.
• It will make a real difference if you are supportive but it is important to be realistic about what you are able to offer and not take on more than you can manage. It may be just as useful to help the person to get professional advice and counselling. Sometimes it is easier for them to talk to a stranger because then they don't have to worry about upsetting you.

 

Q Shouldn't they report to the Police straight away?

• They may well want to do this, especially if it is something that has just happened, in which case they may want you to support them to make a statement to the Police. However, if the person hasn't made up their mind to go to the Police, it isn't helpful to try and make them, or to do it for them. A person who has been attacked or abused often feels a great loss of control, and it can make these feelings worse if others make decisions for them or try to take over.

• SRC has an advisor available, who is independant from the police. She will be able to offer advice and support with any questions you may have about reporting.

• If you have already reported, our advisor will be able to help you with any issues that may come up. Please see the setion on ISVA for more information.

Please see the section on this site entitled Reporting to the Police for useful information on helping to make a decision about this.

 

Q Should they see a doctor?

• If the assault happened a while ago it may not be relevant to go to a doctor. If it's a recent attack and they have injuries or feel unwell, this may, of course, be useful. However, they may want time to think this through and again, it is unhelpful to push them into doing something before they feel ready.
• There may be things the person wants to think about before they seek medical help, such as what sorts of tests are really appropriate, what will appear on their medical records if they go to their G.P, and what would be the implications of some of the possible tests, particularly tests for Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Again, it is important to listen and look at choices but the person should be allowed decide all of this for themselves, if at all possible.

 

Q Shouldn't they be talking to someone rather than bottling it all up?

• Some people do find it helpful to talk and if you can listen that will be helpful but it's important not to push somebody to talk if they're not ready. They may wish to talk with you at a later date and you can let them know that this would be ok with you. If someone does talk to you it is best not to ask intrusive questions regarding the details of what happened but rather to let them go at their own pace. The sorts of feelings someone might be struggling with are fear, sadness, anger, confusion, shock, numbness and possibly guilt and shame.

 

Q Should I tell anyone else?

• If you are supporting an adult it is best not to tell other people without their agreement. However, if you know of a child at risk, you may feel that you should report it. If it would help you to make a decision about this you are welcome to use the Southampton Rape Crisis helpline to talk this through.
• If you are told something while you are at work, you may have a workplace policy of informing Police or Social Services, especially if the safety of a child is at stake. It is usually best to tell the person straight away that you have a duty to report, and who this will be to, so they understand that they may not be able to tell you in complete confidence. You may well be able to support them with reporting themselves if and when they decide to.

 

Q Is there anyone I can talk to about how I feel?

• You can always use our HELPLINE to talk through the best ways of supporting somebody as well as to talk about how you are feeling if it is upsetting you. This is completely confidential and you won't even be asked your name. Sometimes it can make it easier for the other person to contact us, if someone they trust has checked out our service already.